Aug 10, 2016 7:00 AM

The 7 Most Ridiculous Olympics Videogames Ever

The Hunchback of Notre Dame, Mario outrunning Sonic, snapped Atari 2600 joysticks: Why are Olympics videogames so weird?

Turning the Olympics into a videogame is a simultaneously great and terrible idea. On one hand, the Games almost seem tailor-made for videogame adaptations: Running? Jumping? Yes! Games are great for that. But then you actually play one and reality sets in: Such games invariably come down to mindlessly pressing buttons as rapidly as possible. And those are the good games. Here are some of the most ridiculous ones.

This is the perfect Olympics game for anyone who's ever thought so hard about tying their shoes that they've forgotten how to actually do it. The name comes from the keyboard keys used to control the runner's calves and thighs. Now race for gold---or at least try to walk a few steps. How do people walk, again? [*QWOP*](https://www.foddy.net/Athletics.html) is the only Olympics-themed game where simply making it a few meters is an accomplishment worthy of adulation. *--JM*
In general, Activision created the best games for the Atari 2600 console, but *Activision Decathlon* was a rare misstep. Oh, the graphics were gorgeous, loaded with fine detail and realistic animation (by 1983 standards). And it was amazing how Activision packed 10 games into a single cartridge. The problem is, most of them relied upon moving the 2600’s joystick back and forth as quickly as possible. The game quickly earned the nickname "Joystick Destroyer Deluxe" for the speed with which players could snap their controller right in half. Score: DNF. *--CK*

When you think of the Olympics, what comes to mind? Feats of incredible athleticism? Rare moments of international solidarity? No, silly---mascots! *Izzy's Quest for the Olympic Rings*, for Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, was the Olympics' very own mascot platformer. Players would run, jump, and pretend they were playing a half-decent *Mario* game as "Whatizit," the mascot of the 1996 Summer Games widely reviled as among the worst ever. Really scraping the bottom of the mascot barrel. *--JM*
I’m not sure why, but I owned the Nintendo version of this (retitled *Caveman Games* to make absolutely sure it didn’t infringe anything) as a kid. Outrun a sabretooth tiger! Pole vault over a dinosaur! See how far you can throw your wife! It was not very good. All of the deep-seated misogynistic humor in the world couldn’t make up for the fact that, like most Olympics games, this was all about mindlessly slamming buttons as fast as possible, forever. *--CK*

I won't pretend that I have any idea what went through the minds of the developers here. Based loosely on the 1984 Summer Games in Los Angeles and released on Commodore 64 and in the arcade, this Olympics game star ... the Hunchback of Notre Dame. Perhaps someone thought the kids were real into Quasimodo in the 80s? Other than your avatar's slight back hump, this plays like any other arcade-style Olympics game---compete through various events, go for the gold. Let's hide this forever in a bell tower. *--JM*
What happens when you want an Olympics license to create the family-friendly sports game of your dreams, but can't wrangle one? You get exxxtreme. *Summer Olympix* for the Amiga is a quiet, cartoony version of the Games in which you compete in eight events (including kayaking) while playing a wide-eyed athlete who is almost certainly the estranged brother of Jon from *Garfield*. All the better, the events are run by a small, red-skinned devil man with clamshells for ears. He grins madly at you, firing a revolver to signal the start of each event. Where'd you get the gun, devil man? Is this purgatory? Can we go home now? *--JM*

The only official Olympics videogames currently made are in this series, which features an alliance of erstwhile 16-bit rivals Mario and Sonic. This makes no damn sense. Sonic the Hedgehog’s entire reason for being is that he is the fastest thing in the world. How the heck is Mario going to outrun him? But he does. There’s got to be some kind of doping scandal here. Wake up, sheeple! (Special note to Sega: Please do not let the previous sentence inspire you to add an anthropomorphic sheep to the next *Sonic* game; we have suffered enough.) *--CK*

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Chris Kohler started writing for WIRED in 2002, and founded WIRED.com's Game|Life channel in 2005. He is the author of the books Power-Up and Retro Gaming Hacks, and co-hosts the Stitcher Award-winning podcast Good Job, Brain! ... Read More

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