Every Dazed and Confused Character, Ranked by Coolness
With "spiritual successor" Everybody Wants Some!! in theaters today, here's the definitive ranking of the coolest customers from Linklater's original.
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Gramercy Pictures49. O'Bannion
The paddle-packing, freshman-foraging goon is the loudest, saddest, and least-liked character in the entire film; even his friends seem to hate him. An embarrassment to the game of cool. (And the fact that you even *think* it's a game worries us.)
Gramercy Pictures48. The guy who pulls a gun after the dudes destroy his mailbox
Look, he had his reasons for getting angry, but shooting at a car full of zonked teenagers is the very definition of losing one's cool.
Gramercy Pictures47. Pickford's dad
Nixing the party of the year at the last minute? Not cool, Mr. Pickford! (Love the jacket, though.)
Gramercy Pictures46. The assistant coach
Granted, he's not as hard-assed as Coach Conrad, but this guy tries so hard to "rap" with the kids—saying "muff," etc.—that it automatically de-cools him.
Gramercy Pictures45. Coach Conrad
Between the constant lecturing and the dopey "pledge sheets" he's trying to get everyone to sign, this dude's in need of a serious attitude adjustment. Until then: Not cool.
Gramercy Pictures44. The gloating cop who busts the gang at the football field
One of the uncoolest dudes in the entire movie, by a long yard.
Gramercy Pictures43. This guy, who just cruises around with a paddle
His slow-riding, easy-taking approach is pretty cool, but the fact that we never see him catching any freshman? Not so cool.
Gramercy Pictures42. Ben, the keg-delivery guy who shows up too early
He *did* have a hot date to get to that night, indicating that—somehow, somewhere—Ben is actually cool. But his role in getting the Pickford bash kiboshed makes him uncooler than a Shiner Bock left in the sun.
Gramercy Pictures41. - .40 The Kiss statues
The fact that these painted-upon figures look more life-like than modern-day Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley make them both hotter than hell *and* cooler than cool.
Gramercy Pictures39. - 37. The three dudes who show up at Pickford's place, not realizing the party's been canceled
The fact that they were even invited means, sure, they're *kinda* cool. But to be so out-of-the-loop as to not know the party was dead? Moderately uncool.
Gramercy Pictures36. Pickford's dad's shirt
Cool shirt, Mr. Pickford. Even cooler than the jacket.
Gramercy Pictures35. The old-timer who talks to Pink
He may look a little grabby in the photo here, but any cool-friend of Pink is a cool-friend of ours.
Gramercy Pictures34. Pickford's mom
We'll never know if Mrs. Pickford was happy that her son's nefarious party-plans were canceled, or if she just wanted to go on her big vacation and let the kids be kids. Either way, she keeps a cool head the whole time—not an easy task, given Mr. Pickford's hot-headedness. And even hotter jacket. Wait, no, *cooler* jacket. Wait, no. Hold on. Ah, forget it.
Gramercy Pictures33. The chaperone who warns the kids that, once they leave the dance, they can't come back
On the one hand, this *is* useful information to disseminate, so maybe he was just trying to be cool. But since the chaperone clearly doesn't have anything better to do at night than hang at a jr. high dance, he gets an A+ in Uncoolness.
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