Gallery: Alt Text: 9 Cartoons Destined for a Hollywood Rehash
01rubik-the-amazing-cube
*The Smurfs* is back, joining *Scooby-Doo, Speed Racer* and countless other cartoons in the grand, majestic pantheon of "movies people didn't really expect to enjoy but paid to see anyway because it was easier than trying to care about anything invented after they grew body hair." [](http://stag-komodo.wired.com/underwire/tag/alt-text/)With *G.I. Joe* and *The Transformers* already bagged, tagged and mounted, the list of un-remixed kiddy fare is shrinking rapidly, and I can already hear thousands of Hollywood movers and their associated shakers reaching for their long-handled barrel-scrapers. What follows is a list of leftover properties that are likely — nay, destined — to grace one or more screens in the near future. I wish I could stop them, but I'm just one man, and a pretty apathetic man at that. All I can do is warn you in the hopes that, after these exercises in flogging a dead Saturday morning have come and gone, a few hardy and prepared folks will remain to rebuild our civilization. __Above:__ *Rubik the Amazing Cube* ------------------------ __Original plot:__ Three children thwart an evil magician and assorted bog-standard baddies with the help of a sentient plastic cube that can do magic once it's solved because that makes sense somehow. __New plot:__ Robin Williams provides the voice of the titular polyhedron, rendered in loving and extremely creepy CGI. Three young thespians who are as adorable as they are marginally competent at acting use Rubik to stop an evil magician (Kenneth Branagh), save a skate park from being demolished, get their parents back together and, oh, let's say win a dance contest. __Inevitable sequel:__ *Rubik²: Trafalgar Squared!*
THIS COPYRIGHTED IMAGE MUST NOT BE USED WITHOUT PERMISSION02hammerman-2
*Hammerman* ----------- __Original plot:__ MC Hammer disguises himself as MC Hammer to fight crime with magic shoes that can save innocent bystanders, but apparently not rap careers. Featured extremely low-framerate animation, with later episodes consisting of six drawings displayed continuously in random order. __New plot:__ MC Hammer plays himself — like he has something better to do — in a new adventure in which he must stop an international team of superspies bent on downloading music illegally. Returning from retirement to once again don the parachute pants of justice, Hammer, in spite of desperate pleading from onlookers, hurts 'em. __Inevitable sequel:__ *Hammerman vs. Humpty Hump*
03rude-dog-and-the-dweebs
*Rude Dog and the Dweebs* ------------------------- __Original plot:__ For some reason, a sportswear mascot who resembles a beer mascot gets his own TV show. __New plot:__ For some reason, a short-lived TV cartoon from 1989 gets its own movie. __Inevitable sequel:__ *Ruder Dog and the Even Dweebiers*
04the-snorks
*The Snorks* ------------ __Original plot:__ An underwater version of the Smurfs — only with more girls, more colors and less marketing muscle — live, laugh, love and learn important lessons about following the rules and saying "no" to drugs. __New plot:__ Really disturbing little CGI creatures make poop jokes, spout thinly veiled obscenities and learn important lessons about inking three-picture deals. __Inevitable sequel:__ *The Sn2rks*
05fangface-2
*Fangface* ---------- __Original plot:__ A gang of poorly animated teenagers with no clear source of income travel around the country righting wrongs and having adventures. One of the poorly animated teenagers is, without realizing it, a poorly animated werewolf. __New plot:__ Same deal, only the teenagers are live-action, and the werewolf is now poorly rendered instead of poorly animated. __Inevitable sequel:__ *F2: Rise of the Revenge*
06thundarr-the-barbarian
*Thundarr the Barbarian* ------------------------ __Original plot:__ In a hellish, post-apocalyptic, kid-friendly dystopia, only Thundarr the Barbarian (played by Nic Cage), Ariel the Princess (Scarlett Johansson) and Ookla the Mok (Andy Serkis) dare to save the world with their power to rip off upward of a dozen different literary properties without actually, technically, infringing copyright. __New plot:__ Some incoherent thing about mystic demons, sexual assault and lovingly rendered gouts of blood. Hey, Frank Miller has bills to pay. __Inevitable sequel:__ *Thundarr the Barbarian: Ooklacolpyse*
07gilligans-planet
*Gilligan's Planet* ------------------- __Original plot:__ Like *Gilligan's Island*, but in space. __New plot:__ Like *Gilligan's Planet*, but in crappy 3-D. __Inevitable sequel:__ *Gilligan Begins*
08h-e-l-p-dr-henrys-emergency-lessons-for-people
*H.E.L.P: Dr. Henry's Emergency Lessons for People* --------------------------------------------------- __Original plot:__ Not so much a TV show as a series of public service announcements designed to help children learn to deal with medical emergencies, because you really want an 8-year-old trying to remember what he saw between commercials for Trix and Kix while you're lying there thinking, "Oh, so *that's* why they call it a 'sucking chest wound.'" __New plot:__ Matthew Broderick plays the titular M.D., investigating an evil corporation bent on doing something vaguely malevolent with barrels of a toxic chemical that gives off a mist remarkably similar to dry ice. As a nod to fans of the original series, at one point he explains how to tie off an amputated limb with a leather belt. __Inevitable sequel:__ *H.E.L.V: Dr. Henry's Emergency Lessons for Vampires*
09challenge-of-the-gobots
*Challenge of the GoBots* ------------------------- __Original plot:__ A band of good robots that transform into vehicles fight a band of evil robots that transform into vehicles, protecting the Earth while explaining that they hit store shelves in the United States five months before the Transformers, so who's the real copycat, huh? __New plot:__ For the first time, obsessive geeks are pleased to have their childhood memories savaged for a quick buck, because seriously they weren't that great memories in the first place. __Inevitable sequel:__ *GoBots 2: Dawn of the Direct-to-Video Release*
