Every Dazed and Confused Character, Ranked by Coolness

Nixing the party of the year at the last minute? Not cool, Mr. Pickford! (Love the jacket, though.)

Granted, he's not as hard-assed as Coach Conrad, but this guy tries so hard to "rap" with the kids—saying "muff," etc.—that it automatically de-cools him.

Between the constant lecturing and the dopey "pledge sheets" he's trying to get everyone to sign, this dude's in need of a serious attitude adjustment. Until then: Not cool.

One of the uncoolest dudes in the entire movie, by a long yard.

His slow-riding, easy-taking approach is pretty cool, but the fact that we never see him catching any freshman? Not so cool.

He *did *have a hot date to get to that night, indicating that—somehow, somewhere—Ben is actually cool. But his role in getting the Pickford bash kiboshed makes him uncooler than a Shiner Bock left in the sun.

The fact that these painted-upon figures look more life-like than modern-day Gene Simmons and Paul Stanley make them both hotter than hell *and *cooler than cool.

The fact that they were even invited means, sure, they're kinda cool. But to be so out-of-the-loop as to not know the party was dead? Moderately uncool.

Cool shirt, Mr. Pickford. Even cooler than the jacket.

He may look a little grabby in the photo here, but any cool-friend of Pink is a cool-friend of ours.

We'll never know if Mrs. Pickford was happy that her son's nefarious party-plans were canceled, or if she just wanted to go on her big vacation and let the kids be kids. Either way, she keeps a cool head the whole time—not an easy task, given Mr. Pickford's hot-headedness. And even hotter jacket. Wait, no, cooler jacket. Wait, no. Hold on. Ah, forget it.

On the one hand, this is useful information to disseminate, so maybe he was just trying to be cool. But since the chaperone clearly doesn't have anything better to do at night than hang at a jr. high dance, he gets an A+ in Uncoolness.

His military stories are pretty cool, but they're negated by his refusal to let the kids leave early and avoid a butt-whipping. As cool educators go, he's no Ms. Stroud (see below).

Grabbing your brother's car while wearing a Kiss shirt? Penticool.

We know very little about Vicky, except that she declines Don's dumb advances, opting instead to stay in class. And, as we all know, school = cool.

As far as paddle-mad seniors go, Benny's second only to O'Bannion when it comes to unapologetic malice. Plus, he lectures Pink about his non-football friends, which is a decidedly uncool move.

Granted, Clint seems like he should be at the very bottom of this list: After all, he's a bully who rails on Mike for no reason, and his goatee is a reminder that everything terrible in the '90s had its root in the '70s. Yet Clint's got a very cool set of wheels, and he delivers his signature line—"I only came here to do two things man: Kick some ass and drink some beer, [and it] looks like we're almost out of beer"—with such casual coolness that you almost forget the fact that Roddy Piper said it a few years earlier.

Carl's clearly a survivor (which is cool), but he also seems like kind of a weasel (not super-cool). He does have one thing going for him in terms of cool-cred, though...

When O'Bannion corners Carl on the kid's front porch, Mom comes out and points a rifle in his face with such casual, no-BS coolness, you realize she probably fends off these kind of doofuses all the time.

Of all the kids getting hunted down by O'Bannion and his boys, Tommy seems the most cool-headed. In fact, he's *so *relatively relaxed and quiet, you almost wonder...is he a ghost? If so, that would only make him cooler.

If you check this dude's ID, it probably just says "COOL."

Darla may get some of the best lines in the movie—"AIR RAID!", etc.—and the fact that she's played by Parker Posey automatically places in her in the second half of our list. But her sneering attitude and power-mad delight in torturing others knocks her out of the cool club.

Covered in condiments and sadness, she gamely tolerates Don's creepy come-ons, and walks away unscathed (we hope). We doubt we could be as cool under fire.

Shavonne is fucking cool.

Kaye's already totally over high school, which automatically makes her cooler than many of her classmates. Plus, she can break down the "male pornographic [fantasy]" aspects of Gilligan's Island during a bathroom break, which is equally cool.

This may seem like an unlikely top-tier entry, but trust us: Hirschfelder, the quiet guy who only has a few lines, is *definitely *cool. And if you don't believe us, you should ask...

Hirschfelder, you stud! Seriously, just anoint these two King and Queen of the Super-Cool Smoochers.

You know what's weird? Even though she's high up in the credits, we don't get a lot of screen-time with Simone. Is she a snoot? Secretly cool? All we *do *know is that she's one of the few people to tag along with Wooderson and Pink in the film's final moments, which is a pretty cool way to go out.

Melvin starts out just as paddle-obsessed as his pals, but he's pretty friendly to Mitch after all is said and done, and does a cool dance at the moontower.

Even if you're the kind of person who (rightfully) detests the abuse of the word "literally," it should be said: There is literally nothing uncool about Julie, who helps coordinate the revenge attack on O'Bannion, and later makes out with Mitch at dawn.

You can't blame the party foul-up on Pickford. Could he have taken additional steps to ensure the kegs didn't show up too early? Yep. Could he have hidden his plans from his parents better? Sure. But really, come on—Pickford's cool.

Michelle has maybe three lines in the whole movie, but she spends her time painting statues and playing stoner-tunes, both very cool hobbies.

Tony's a Nice Guy, but not Fake Emo Nice Guy. Plus, he's very open about his Abraham Lincoln-related sex dream, and very kind to Sabrina, both of which make him very cool.

Mike wants to dance. Mike is cool.

What? You don't think Slater is cool? Check you later!

Don can be a crasshole, to be sure (see No. 22). But a lot of his bad-boy shtick is just an act, and he's got a cool-older-brother vibe that seems rooted in a genuine good-dudeness.

Cynthia's probably the most open-minded, open-hearted character in the whole movie—she's pretty much got life figured out by this point. Plus, she's got plans to see Aerosmith with Wooderson, which is about as cool of an outing as you can get.

"You know, the '68 Democratic convention was probably the most bitchin' time I ever had in my life. Hey guys, one more thing: This summer, when you're being inundated by all the American bicentennial Fourth of July brouhaha, don't forget what you're celebrating, and that's the fact that a bunch of slave-owning aristocratic white males didn't want to pay their taxes." Stay woke and cool, Ms. Stroud!

Sure, Jodi may have inadvertently (or maybe intentionally?) gotten younger brother Mitch a few extra paddle-lickings, but unlike, say, Darla, she doesn't take the freshman-hazing stuff too seriously, and even takes Sabrina out for a night on the town after everything cools down.

Want to know where Mitch and Jodi get their coolness from? Look no further than Mrs. Kramer, who gives Mitch a one-time get-out-jail-free card when he comes home way past curfew.

We know, we know: Some of you are livid, just L-I-V-I-D, that this dude isn't at the top of this list. But even though Wooderson is, in many ways, the very embodiment of coolness—the duds, the wheels, the one-liners—he's also kind of a sad, skeevy horndog who's afraid to grow up. The other *Dazed *denizens will get older; Wooderson will always stay the same age. It doesn't entirely diminish his coolness, but it does knock him down a few spots.

There's a reason why Pink's as beloved as the band that gave him his nickname: He's too cool to sign your pledge, too cool to keep all the beer to himself, and too cool to turn his back on his friends. If these *are *the best years of his life, he's spending them the coolest way possible.

Sabrina's a few years younger than pretty much all of her newfound peers and pals, but she never once seems flustered or overwhelmed by them—she is cool, whereas they are simply the gang. And she and Tony will likely spend the whole summer being The Good-Egg Couple That Gets Invited Everywhere and Inspires Sweeeeeet Emotions All Around.

Mitch! Despite being pursued by senior-level goofballs, fired upon by a mailbox-obsessed hick, and coerced into buying booze without a valid ID, Mitch ends the night by calmly crawling into bed with a beer buzz and some headphones, and throwing on the greatest Foghat jam of all time. He may not be the flashiest character in Dazed, nor the most quotable, but his series of tiny teenaged victories certainly makes him the most relatable. Wise, open-eyed, and thoroughly unflappable, he's probably the *Dazed *denizen we most aspired to be like in our high-school days, whether we want to admit it or not. Cool? Cool.