Keep Quiet, for Jesus' Sake

The Vatican is winding back the clock half a century to crack down on "liturgical abuses" at church. According to the Roman Catholic magazine Jesus, the pope will soon issue a directive with a series of warnings: Quit all that dancing and clapping. Only priests handle the host before it lands on a communion recipient's tongue. Lay off the holy wine. And for the love of God, no altar girls -- they might get funny ideas about becoming priests. Apparently, the papal palace is also taking a page from the Ashcroft files and urging the faithful to report suspected abuses to authorities. Father, my neighbor was clapping.